Selective Perception

I've been reading a book by Edward de Bono. There is a chapter which discusses perception--the way of looking at things. Each one of us has different ways in analyzing and looking at things and situations. This can be attributed to differences in our background, culture, values, and personal experiences. So what I may think as proper may not necessarily be so for another. What I may see as beautiful may just turn out to be ordinary for another. It also can't be ignored that our perceptions more often than not are tainted with our own biases.


One also can't deny that as much as we want to be objective, our emotions and feelings inevitably ride on our perceptions. We only see what we want to see. We only will pick what we expect to see. As de Bono puts it, "Our perception is rarely objective, it is usually selective." Here is a classic example given by the author,


A husband suspects that his wife is having a secret affair. Whenever she is out shopping or with friends he suspects she is meeting her lover. When she returns, his suspicions cause his perception to pick out those things which reinforce his mistrust. No matter how many objective facts presented into the case (such as perhaps the wife is indeed a shopaholic or the wife really has a lot of friends), I don't think one would be able to convince the husband in thinking otherwise. His feelings have controlled how he sees his wife already.


And let's say he indeed finds out she is having an affair, he is very upset and thinks back over all the details of their married life, picking out minor incidents which 'prove' that she never really loved him at all. Again his strong feelings and emotions have ruled over his objective perception of the situation and of his wife. As what the author says in the book, "If you are looking for oranges in a supermarket, your eyes will pick out oranges. If you are looking for breakfast cereal, your eyes will select cereal."


Aahhh! So now I know what it's called, selective perception. Inasmuch as I hate admitting it, this happens to me all the time especially when I'm asking for a sign or in search for an answer. I'm not sure anymore whether I should indeed take it as a sign or dismiss it for plain selective perception. I'm really disappointed, all this time that I thought was a positive sign, a coincidence perhaps or a could-be-happening possibility turns out to be a major dud pala. It must have been an unconscious effort on my part in having to always select out only the good suitable pieces, in filtering out the unwanted bits, in editing out the boring details so that I end up happy, hopeful and positive.


The book points out that we need to learn how to become a good manager of our feelings so that we can enjoy them and not get carried away by them. If we let our strong emotions and feelings control our perception, our reality becomes distorted and restricted. But then if we drop our strong feelings altogether, then we become robotic and would not be interested in perceiving anything at all. Kaya as the old cliche goes, we must strive for the perfect balance.