I have to agree on what Michael Tan wrote in today's newspaper...I like.
“EXCUSE ME, LOLO. EXCUSE ME, LOLO. . .”
It was my 4-year-old son, gently but firmly trying to interrupt my father, who was having a small argument with my mother.
My father finally paused, looked at my son and growled, “What?”
With all the confidence of a Supreme Court justice, complete with high chair, my son promulgated his order in his falsetto voice: “Be nice, Lolo. Be nice.”
That broke the tension and we all broke out laughing. I had to explain to my son that my father had raised his voice because my mother is hard of hearing, but that was difficult for him to grasp, so he insisted, as I do with him when he gets too rowdy, “Lolo, whisper, whisper.”
He’s repeated that “be nice” routine several times, with his grandparents when they argue with each other, or with the household help, and with me when I raise my voice scolding him.
Be gentle
It all began when I caught him several months ago calling someone “gago.” When I frowned, he responded right away, “Bad word?” And I replied, “Not bad word. It just isn’t nice.”
Since then I’ve been using the phrase, “Be nice” quite often, not just for “bad” words but also for assorted situations, like when he fights with other kids, or gets rough with pets.
I know it all sounds wimpy, but a “be nice” campaign is something we need badly in an increasingly mean world. When foreign friends visit, they always tell me Filipinos are so, well, nice and pleasant, and I ask where they’ve been. Inevitably, it will be to the higher-end tourist areas where people are almost forced to be nice. Sometimes I’m tempted to take them to lower-end shopping malls where they’ll see how people shove the elderly aside, or how vendors shout at you to move aside because you’re blocking their displays.
Last month when I boarded a plane and was trying to put a bag into the overhead bin, a man shouted at me, something about his Goldilocks bag being in the compartment. “Use another one,” he practically ordered me. I was tempted to argue that there was enough space for his precious cargo and my bag, but decided it’d be a waste of time, so I did take another overhead compartment.
A few minutes later, a burly American man boarded, opened the overhead with the Goldilocks treasure, shoved in his huge backpack, slammed the compartment door and took his seat. I could almost hear the Goldilock bag being crushed. Did the “nice” Filipino complain? Of course not. He was being nice.
We really need to learn to be kind for kindness’, and goodness’ sake.
We think that to get our way, we have to assert ourselves by being mean. I have fellow professors who will tell their students, “You’re wrong,” pausing to take a deep breath and then adding, “You’re absolutely wrong.” It doesn’t end there. I’ve even seen professors demanding an apology from the student for daring to contradict them.
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but even if the student is absolutely wrong, I will still go: “I’m not sure about that. Can you check your sources again?”
I was amused the other week when I watched “Pilipinas Got Talent,” a local spin-off of “American Idol.” I know many people get a thrill watching Simon Cowell getting really mean with contestants. Mercifully, the local version has judges, including Kris Aquino, apologizing, “Sorry ha, pero...” to contestants before sending them off to oblivion.
I know, I know. . . what about our noontime shows where they have contests to make fun of people? Precisely. It’s because we are getting more and more of such entertainment fare that I worry about how we might lose all sense of “nice-ness.”
‘Nuno sa Internet’
Niceness is even more endangered now with the Internet. Look at the comments people post on e-discussion groups, and in response to YouTube videos. Blog writers can be especially vitriolic, confusing harsh and brash language with intelligence. I’ll admit, too, the temptation to be unkind is strong with columnists.
All this comes about, ironically, because both old and new mass media are built on respect for the freedom of speech. We’re all encouraged to speak our mind with few limitations. The Internet has opened more spaces, with even fewer rules—it’s almost impossible, under present laws, to sue a person for libel or slander if the offensive remarks are made on the Internet. It’s gotten so bad now there’s even a term for people who just roam the Internet trying to pick arguments and fights over the most trivial issues: “trolls.” (I call them Nuno sa Internet, playing on our traditional mythological nuno sa punso or grumpy creatures inhabiting anthills.)
I do wonder, at times, if I’m being unfair to children (my own and others’) when I urge them to be kinder in a world that’s becoming more and more unkind. Will they survive? I wonder.
I think so. I do explain to them that there are indeed people who are “gago” and “tarantado” and sometimes they should be called that—nicely (meaning with a smile). Seriously, I’m convinced he stands a better chance of surviving because quite simply, unkind people are a turn-off. Whatever your views are, you might initially catch people’s attention with mean remarks, but eventually they turn away, no longer interested in your views because you come through as too vexing, too toxic, to the spirit, too toxic.
Working for 25 years as an administrator in NGOs, UP and a foundation, has entailed dealing with the most difficult people imaginable, and I can say with confidence that kindness, or at least graciousness, doesn’t mean compromising on firmness and fairness. In fact, unkind people are shocked when you turn the screw on them with grace. Unkind people want to fight, and the best way to be “unkind” to them is to deny them that pleasure.
If a “be nice” admonition doesn’t work out, walk away, assuring yourself, “It’s his problem, not mine.” You might actually find yourself feeling sad for the person. That, too, is being kind.
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