Me is who I am.

No amount of convincing and justification can force people to think or say what you want them to think (or say). Admit it we’re all stubborn people. People will always think what they wanna think, believe what they wanna believe. It’s because we think we’re right even if we’re not. Or maybe we just find it hard to admit we’re wrong. Call it pride or whatever. Or maybe we all just have our own “my way” of looking at things. Unfortunately some are not that blessed with a clear widescreen view. Kulang tuloy. Hehe

Sometimes I’m tired of having to explain or justify myself. It may look like I’m always on the defense when I’m actually just trying to point out a point. Hehe I used to worry like crazy about what others think or say especially if it concerns me or if it’s someone close to me. Now kebs nalang. I just let them think whatever they want to think and say what they want to say. It’s their perception and it’s not mine to change. You can’t do anything about it. I know who I am and who I am not. I know me better than they do anyway, and that's what's important. The only thing I can do is try not to get affected and let it get to me. At the end of the day, what my family and gooood friends say or think is the only thing that counts for me, really.

Truthfully Straight and Upfront

These days it’s hard to say or do something without getting judged for it. That’s why most people choose their words and actions carefully in fears of being put into a box, be over misinterpreted, or be ostracized for not being “normal”. That’s why some people choose to stay quiet and be as neutral as possible. That’s why some people pretend that things are all perfect and rosy even when it’s not okay. That’s why some people are forced to say or do things even if they don’t want to just to fit in.

I so appreciate people who can be courageously honest and be candid about themselves. They’re not afraid to let everyone see the real them, even if it would mean losing a prospect—friend, partner, client, etc. Some people would normally put their best foot forward and let everyone see the good side only. Some people do it to impress, but I believe (naïve as I may sound) that most people do it mainly to avoid being unfairly judged.

I must admit I’m not one who could freely express and open up herself so candidly to people (well except for family and close friends), mostly because I’ve always believed in less talk, less trouble. With less talk, people can’t really say anything much about you. But then I guess even if you talk or act less (or more), either way you’ll still get judged for it. It’s a harsh world I know. Nobody’s really saved.

So what do you do about it then? Simple. Sometimes you just have to not give a damn about what people would have to say about you. As long as you’re not stepping on anyone’s toes (read: R-E-S-P-E-C-T), say what you want to say. Do what you want to do. Be the real YOU you want to be. You can’t please everybody after all. Not everybody has to like you anyway. Nagpapakatotoo ka lang; believe me people will actually appreciate and love you more for that.

Disappearing Act

From Grey’s: Disappearances happen in science. Disease can suddenly fade away. Tumors go missing. We open someone up to discover the cancer is gone. It’s unexplained. It’s rare. But it happens. We call it misdiagnosis. Say we never saw it in the first place…any explanation but the truth. That life is full of vanishing acts. If something we didn’t know we had disappears, do we miss it?

This happens all the time. It’s rather frustrating to not know why. Having at least an acceptable valid explanation somehow makes it easier to cope. But unfortunately most often than not, we’re left hanging on the air. Thus we have no choice but to pretend that nothing happened. Nothing existed. Zilch. Nada. As much as you want to believe it was there, you try your damn hard best to think the other way just so you won’t start missing what you thought you had since you didn’t have it in the first place. Okay this is getting confusing already. Hehe

I’ve learned that sometimes getting too attached to a thing or a person is not good. You’ll never know when they’ll be taken away (or disappear!) from you. When you get used to something and when that something becomes a part of your life, it’s not that easy to forget and not look for it. It’s hard to keep yourself from not wanting it, from not missing it. It’s pretty much like a person wanting to have his or her regular yosi or caffeine fix. There are really no instant overnight solutions on this one. But then I guess just like with every living thing, we eventually learn to adapt and survive. We make do with what we have and start learning to live without it.

I May Be Right..Not!

Sometimes I feel most of the things that I think are true are not entirely true at all. The beliefs I’ve held for so long may be far from the truth. I thought I knew everything there is to know. I thought I had every little thing (and person) figured out. I thought I was doing the right thing. I just realized that I could be wrong. I’ve been thinking, saying, and doing the opposite.

It’s like you think you’re doing one hell of a job then someone suddenly tells you you’re not. It’s like missing an easy lay-up that a star basketball player shouldn’t have missed even with eyes closed. But then he misses, much to his and everyone’s surprise. It’s like being so sure that you’re going to get an A on a project only to find out it’s as good as a B grade only. It’s when you think you’re the only person, but then you find out you’re just one of the many persons. It’s when you think you’re special and find out you’re no extraordinary than the others. It’s being happy that you got a good bargain only to find out the next store has even bigger discounts. I could go on and on. But I know you get the point already.

If there’s one thing I learned, we can’t take everything at face value. We can’t always go on assuming things (people also included here) that are not there. Everything is not foolproof. Just because we see and say that something is right does not necessarily mean that it’s actually right. And just because we feel something does not necessarily follow that other people also do feel the same way. This kind of thinking is what actually gets us into trouble. We think we’re right all the time. We think something is true. Our expectations are set so high, disappointments are bound to happen. So I figured it would be better really to just downplay everything and think the opposite all the time, because most often than not it's the only time I actually end up being right.

Getting Old...Fast!

I’m feeling old already. Before it was just all about parties and attending friends’ debuts. Now it’s all about getting invited to friends’ weddings, if not baby christenings. Aack! Before all we had to worry about are curfews, school, and relationship woes. Now aside from worrying about our careers, we also have to worry about our future—future husband, future babies, future married life. Whoa! Before all we talk about are gossips, crushes, and other senseless things. Now we talk about how we’re going to start being serious and prepare for the next level. Yikes!

I actually don’t know where I currently fit in all these. Most of the time I’m sold to the idea of getting settled for good. But there are times it scares the hell out of me. I see married couples splitting up, families broken by infidelity, and what have you. That’s why I really try hard not to get swayed by the constant pressures of finding “someone” already and getting hitched. With love, I think I deserve the right to be picky. I can’t settle for less. It’s a serious deal. It’s a lifetime commitment after all. I want to do it right the first time. I don’t want a second time or third time for this. Believe me I’m looking forward to it. I really am. I just don’t have an idea when…

Shrek is the Man!

I got a text, a meaningful one, from Shar this morning. It goes,

Tinkerball speaks, they say that when you leave NeverLand you'd grow up and meet different people who'd try and make you believe. Sometimes you'd choose a Prince, he would take you to his castle, dance with you but allow you to leave when the clock strikes 12. Sometimes you'd meet Spiderman, he'd give you the sweetest kiss but then he'd vanish all the time. Then there's Peter Pan, a guy who'd take care of you and fly with you against the wind but then you'd notice that his heart belongs to Wendy.

So I'll be like Fiona, I'll find my Shrek...not perfect but real and stays forever.

I'm all for Shrek. Always have been.

I Love Poker

In lieu with all the drama (no, not mine) that has passed this week, I deem it appropriate to write something about it.

Love is like a poker game. It depends on how much (and how long) you’re willing to gamble to win the game. The rules are simple. If you play your cards right, you win. If you don’t, you lose. If you don’t have the guts, then you will most probably lose too. There are four kinds of players. The first kind is the high rollers. They’re the ones who make the high bets all the time. They’re the ones who are not afraid to raise the stakes, go all in, and lose the game if need be. Then there’s one who bets but bets so little that you barely see them there as competition. They fly low under the radar. You usually don’t feel their presence, only until the end when everyone has lost and suddenly they’re the ones left with all the chips. I call this type the darkhorse. The third kind is the one who likes to play it safe. They’re the ones who checks all the time. They like to remain in the status quo and not do anything in fears of losing their bet. I call them the seguristas. And the last kind of player I call the bluffers. They’re the ones who usually don’t get the good hand but participate in the stakes nevertheless and pray damn hard their opponents wouldn’t notice and question their credibility. Sometimes they end up winning and sometimes they also end up losing. So which player are you?

Just like poker, love is a mind game. You constantly have to guess what your opponent is thinking. Does he have triple aces? Or maybe he has flushes? Is he going to fold? You constantly have to size up your opponent. Does he have the means to go all in? Is he bluffing? You constantly have to be on your feet, taking note of all the cards that has been laid out and those that has not been laid out. You constantly study your opponent’s moves and base your succeeding actions on them. Is he going to raise the bet? Am I going to follow suit?

Just like poker, love can be a messy game. Sometimes you get the good cards. You win. Sometimes you get a bad hand, you lose. There are times when you keep on winning the rounds and you think, “Hey this is great. This ain’t bad at all.” then just when you thought you had it in the bag, you suddenly lose the next round and everything starts going downhill from there. You think, “What the?!!” You end up more confused then ever before.

Just like poker, a lot of love is based on gut feel. You’ll never know what cards you’re going to have. You’ll never know if you’re going to win the next round. Or lose the next next round. You don’t know how much you’re going to win, or lose for that matter. You’re not sure if betting high will be worth it or betting low will be the key for you. You don’t know who your poker playmates are going to be. Am I going to enjoy their company? Will he be an asshole? Will he be a charming playmate? But despite of it all, you still want in on the game. Win or lose, you still want to continue on playing and hope that the next round will be a better round for you.

Blood Diamond

I recently watched Blood Diamond. It is based on real events. Aside from Leonardo DiCaprio starring in it (hehe), one should watch the movie to get a bigger sense of how much fighting and suffering is going on in Africa. It makes you realize all the fighting that’s been happening isn’t really so much about one’s struggle over one’s ideals. It’s not about the struggle for a specific cause but rather on who gets what—who gets the land, who gets the oil, or who gets the diamonds. Self-serving people fight over possessions and a lot of the innocent are thrown in the middle of it. It’s already bad as it is to see widespread poverty and HIV all over, then you see all these senseless deaths that the African people so do not deserve.

Based on the movie title itself, the movie tells about conflict diamonds (or blood diamonds) which are mined in war-stricken Sierra Leone and are sold to this rich diamond company who supposedly hoards all of the diamonds in the world to sustain the demand and keep the price soaring high. Mura lang pala ang diamonds! Hmnn…After watching the movie, one would think twice about buying diamonds, conflict diamonds that is. Now whenever I would see all these gorgeous diamond pieces, instead of admiring it I think about Africa and remember how much blood was shed just so people (like us) could look pretty and glam. Is it still worth it?

Now I don’t want to sound a hypocrite because just like any other girl, I don’t like like diamonds. Hehe Just like the love for cars or sports are innate in men, it’s the same thing with girls when it comes to diamonds. It’s just a food for thought for all of us. Now that we know what’s really happening, we shouldn’t turn a blind eye on it. Let’s make sure we don’t patronize war diamonds. Ask before buying. (Haha Nagpaka-advocate ba talaga.) Note: Both Bvlgari and Tiffany claim they sell blood free or conflict free diamonds.

Things to Know About Brunei

1. You wouldn’t see any tall buildings in Brunei. They’re not allowed to build skyscrapers that would exceed the height of their mosque. It’s a rule that the mosque be the tallest structure in the country.

2. In Brunei, it is considered rude to use your index finger. If you want to point something out, use your thumb instead.

3. All Bruneians are rich. Almost the entire population owns a car that’s why you could barely see taxis or buses in the city.

4. The entire Brunei population is roughly 380,000. That’s even barely 1% of the Philippines population! And if you’re going to add the other nationalities living in Brunei, it’ll be around 500,000…still barely 1% of our population.

5. As Muslims, Bruneians are allowed to be polygamous. They can have as much as 4 legal wives. (*Note: Despite this fact, they have a small population. Hmnn..) The sultan, Prince Bolkiah currently has 3 wives. According to tradition, it is imperative that for his first wife, he should marry someone from the family. His first wife is actually his first cousin.

6. The current Brunei monarchy is the longest ruling monarch in the world. Ever since it started, it has not been overthrown. I guess Bruneians are peaceful loving people. Unlike say China’s colorful history of its emperors and dynasties, no one has really bothered to revolt against the royal family. So imagine the first ever Brunei royalty also comes from Prince Bolkiah’s great great great great ancestors.

7. The royal palace opens to the public only at a specific time of the year. The public are allowed to personally meet the sultan and his princess. But only the women are allowed in greeting the princess. Same goes for the sultan, only the men are allowed to meet his royal highness. Other than this time of the year, photo ops near the royal palace entrance are not even allowed. You have to be several meters away from the gate. In our case, we had to literally stay across the other road opposite the palace.

10 Things I LOVE About the Holidays

1. Big family reunions. Get togethers with my cousins, aunties, and uncles from all sides are always fun. I also get to see my other long lost relatives whom I don’t really see if it weren’t for the Christmas parties that we have.

2. My nieces and nephews. I get to see and play with my pamangkins only on special occasions such as this one. I like talking to them a lot. Joshua has never ending questions. (Why are there rocks in the aquarium? Why is the diver’s suit in the aquarium yellow? Why is it not black?) Erin is so aliw (“I’m five years old.” then puts up her four fingers then changes it to five to make sure that I understand her that she’s not four na but five.) Enrico is going to be a heartthrob someday I swear. Tippi, Chloe, and Erika will also be prom queens. They’re all so cute. I so so love them.

3. Receiving lots of gifts. Compared to the previous Christmases, I have received a lot of nicer gifts this year, things that I could actually get to use. Hehe Nothing still beats the iPod nano that my mom gave me though.

4. Giving gifts. I like shopping for presents and giving them away. There are some people who are fun to shop for. It’s like almost every thing you see reminds you of the person and you think, “This will fit (insert person's name here) well. Bagay!” This year I enjoyed shopping in the kids section. It’s fun to shop for baby’s clothes. Lahat nalang cute. Hehe I think I need to have kids of my own. Hahaha Kidding!

5. Dressing up and looking nice. It’s cool to see people bring out their ties, suits, and dresses. Everyone just looks so nice and formal. The holidays give me a reason to be girly where I can wear my dress and be pretty. Hehe

6. Messages from friends. Even a simple Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year greeting from a friend (especially those whom I’ve lost contact with) already means a lot to me. The holidays give us a chance to reconnect with friends and for some, it could also serve as a “reason” to tell someone that we like or care for them.

7. Trips out of the country with the clan. I’ve always look forward to our yearly Christmas trips. Whether it be in Hong Kong, Taiwan, Malaysia, or China, I really don’t mind. Even if the destination sucks, I’d still go just as long as the tradition is not broken. This year we’re all going to Brunei. Prince Bolkiah, here we come! Haha

8. Festive holiday spirit. Seeing all the houses adorned with bright Christmas lights, hearing Christmas songs play everywhere you go, and seeing Santa Claus in every nook and cranny always gives me this great nostalgic feeling. It always reminds me of the Christmases I had when I was a kid. I think kids enjoy Christmas more than adults do. Oh no, does this mean I'm getting old already? The festive mood never fails to give a positive vibe in everyone’s day.

9. Stress-free long breaks. The holidays give us a brief respite from life’s daily grind. We forget about work, our problems and worries for a minute. We celebrate and enjoy the season with our loved ones…happy :).

10. Indulging. The holidays gives us a reason to indulge whether it be on food or on the latest gadgets or cellphone. We give ourselves a special treat and justify it with a "Christmas naman eh!" then we make bawi nalang after. We work double hard on the treadmill or save up on our next month's pay and next next month's pay. Hehe

"If time were not an obstacle, I would.."

I attended a 5-day class last week and one of the topics discussed was time management. We were asked to do an exercise wherein we would complete the sentence, “If time were not an obstacle, I would…”

I would like to share with you my answers. If time was not an obstacle, some day I would…

• travel around the world
  
• spend more quality time with family and friends
  
• go to the driving range and practice more often until I can beat Tiger Woods
  
• learn a new skill – study graphic design, painting, or cooking
  
• bake cakes and cookies to give to family and friends
  
• keep in touch with friends I lost contact with
  
• go to the gym more often and exercise until I become as sexy as Tyra Banks
  
• visit my Amma Adams and keep her company
  

I was surprised that I came up with a long list.  I could have gone on and listed more things to do if it weren't for the limited space that the paper alloted. There were a lot of things that I wanted to do. I haven’t given much thought about it not until I was actually asked to sit down and really think about it. I just realized that most of my days are spent on what I need to do. I kinda have forgotten that I also want to do a lot of things. Emphasis on the WANT. Hehe But then even if I do have the extra time, I think I might just spend it on the non-developmental or not so “enriching” activities instead such as bumming around where I could finish watching all the tv shows (Prison Break anyone? Hehe) that are fast piling up in my laptop. That’s just one example. I could think of more but I don’t want to indulge myself too much. I don’t think I’ll ever have enough time and resources, not until I turn 90 years old anyway.

On Giving Up

When do you give up on something (or someone)? Is it some automatic switch programmed into us that signals us to start raising the white flag? Just like how we sometimes get these instant light bulb ideas, it is not planned. You just wake up one day and realize you’re going to stop trying. No reasons to justify the whys. You just feel that it’s the best right thing to do.

People have different thresholds as to how far they can go. As one friend would like to put it, we have our own saturation points. It is where you’ve tried (and tried) until you’ve reached a point where you frankly don’t care anymore with the outcome. You’re just too tired to think about it, even for just a second. And all you want to do is to detach yourself on that something (or someone, or situation-whichever) and give up.

Does it make one an official loser for giving up? Does one deserve a big “L” slapped on his/her forehead for not trying hard enough? How about if the person does not give up and keeps on trying until he/she dies, do we congratulate him/her for being a martyr (or a hero)? It’s a tough question to answer. It’ll probably spark up long debates and bring out more unanswered questions.

In my humble opinion, a person who gave up (but tried his/her very damn best) deserves credit too. I would definitely give an ‘A’ for effort. Situations and people are hard to change. While we can have a hand in influencing the outcome, it is still something that is not entirely within our control. There will always be limitations as to how far we can go. We can put our two cents worth of effort in it but if hanggang dun nalang, then so be it. If you think about it, those who have tried and gave up are actually heroes in their own right. At least they’re brave enough to give up, admit that they can't do it, and come into terms with reality (yes, even if the truth hurts). They accept things for what they are and get on with their lives. Sometimes giving up can actually make life so much easier, don't you think so?